So. Hospital yesterday.
Nothing new to tell you.
The bone marrow sample was deemed to be of too poor a quality to be of any use, so FL's pain of a month ago was for nothing. It was the history-geek doctor, so I swiftly hid FL's reading matter under my coat, before we got into a discussion of the Phoenicians instead of Multiple Myeloma. FL was unusually vocal (for a hospital appointment) and asked the doctor where we go from here?
It is now a Waiting Game. The MM will come back, but whether it is in 6 months (unlucky), 18 months (good) or 4 years (excellent)... nobody knows. At that point, they can again attack the cancer, but with a reduced armoury and reduced likelihood of success. Thereafter, he can expect a deterioration in his health and eventual death. In the meantime, he has a monitoring appointment at the hospital once a month until further notice.
I will be honest: I am very bad at "waiting". It's the reason I hate travelling - I don't mind arriving in another place, but I can't stand the in-between time when you have left the familiar and haven't yet reached the destination. It's the reason I could never ever contemplate going on a cruise! So I am going to have to find another way to manage this, other than calling it "waiting", or I will go crazy.
FL thinks I have infinite patience - and he would say my knitting is evidence of this. But I don't think that is true. I am just very stubborn and refuse to be defeated by difficult things: I worry away at them til I sort them out. But this is a tricky one. There is nothing I can do to change the outcome of this "game". But I refuse to "wait". We are going to have to find a way to get on with living, to be positive and enjoy the day-to-day. Keep knitting.
But I need to gather inspiration for future projects, squirrel away some resources in the back of my wardrobe, ready for the day when we run out of metaphorical yarn. I need to have plans to do things that don't include FL, things to look forward to so that life is not completely empty after he has gone. Because that is my fear at the moment. That I will devote all my energy to this journey and reach the destination to find that I am ... nowhere and alone.
Before I made the enormous decision to come to live with FL, there was a moment when I tried to imagine what life would be like without him, and I was totally lost. He has been the sun around which I have orbitted for so many many years. All my adult life and then some. Even when I lurched off into the universe far far away from him, he was always there at the centre, waiting for me to return.
So now... now we are travelling together I suppose. And we are so very very lucky to have this opportunity. So be it a cruise or a trek up Everest, it's time I learned to enjoy the journey. *insert four-letter word of your choice*