Yesterday I was reading how Mustaa Villaa uses knitting as a stress-buster, finding different projects appropriate to different areas of worry in her life. Sounds good to me! So I have decided to cast on for several projects at once, to focus on process rather than product for a while. I am hoping this will lead to a more contemplative approach to my knitting and my life. I am sure there will be times when something grabs me and I knit knit knit away until its finished, but I am expecting that there will be bigger gaps between FO’s as I knit a few rows here, a few rows there, according to the kind of knitting I need at the time.
The sources of my stress won’t surprise you. A teenaged son in an important exam year. A daughter hovering on the brink of teenage-dom. FL’s illness. House, work. Some things are bigger than others.
I have become so accustomed to saying FL is “fine”, that the sudden realisation that he’s not has brought me up short. Last night he admitted to me that he is in a lot of pain. He says his back feels like it did before his diagnosis (Multiple Myeloma). He says he wants to be able to feel the pain so he knows what is going on, but I really think he needs to start taking painkillers to be able to cope with the day to day.
He has had some unfortunate mood swings / irrationality, for which he has apologised. The apology was what alerted me to there being something really wrong. He had shouted at my daughter for changing TV channel at the pre-agreed time, telling her that she had no need to watch the 3-minute long introduction to Masterchef as she had seen it before and to change back AT ONCE! And that he had timed the introduction a million times and it was always three minutes long. We stared at him in disbelief. He repeated himself. I told him he was being ridiculous. He stormed out. (N.B. he is a very rational, calm person and he had told her she could change channel only a few minutes earlier.) The next day, my daughter told me he had later gone to her room and apologised to her for his “childish behaviour” – what?! Unheard of!
There have been wakeful nights and a lot of sleeping in his chair during the day. The absolute barometer is his golf. Snow closed the course for two weeks, but he has struggled to resume his usual routine since then: he now admits he is too tired and it is too painful. I have booked us a Highland holiday for Easter and he is the one saying that it feels like a long time ahead - too far ahead to be making holiday plans. Ever had that feeling that the rollercoaster is reaching the top of its climb, just before the big drop…?
So… knitting. First up: something Simple but Effective. You didn’t see that coming did you? Neither did I!