Friday, May 20, 2011

Taking a Scat

Nervous energy: I am fizzing with it. I can't tell you how close I have come this week to telling a work colleague to eff off, how part of my brain is telling me to slam doors and throw crockery at the walls and just... scream. Best not, Roo.


I can't bear to be around: pregnant women, babies, happy young couples. I am a jealous witch.


If ever I needed a creative outlet, it is now.


I am in a stuck place with Betty Jean - I can't see to knit brown sleeves on brown needles. New light-coloured bamboo dpns are on order. But that doesn't explain why 50 stitches are too few to go round my wrist: does that mean the entire cardigan is going to be too small? Err... yes, I could measure it... but I am in denial.



I started knitting a baby tunic but I hate it, because I hate babies and I hate people who can have babies (see above: jealous witch).


I have hacked at the weeds in the garden until I got blisters on my hands.


I have scrubbed the kitchen floor.


I have sat at my desk and stared into space until the only possible solution seemed to be a trip to the vending machine to buy chocolate.

I need something to look forward to. All I can think of is our holiday on the West coast. I wonder if FL will be well enough to go?

I ripped out the turquoise socks and the fluffy peach shrug.



I cooked an emphatically vegan meal called "Catalan Couscous Salad with Pears". The Girl liked the couscous. FL liked the pears. Nobody liked the combination.



But here's the thing: it is almost the weekend. I have ordered some herb plants to grow my own tisanes. I am going to plant them in an old sink at the side of the house, out of reach of rabbits.



And the dog has had The Operation and won't be molesting next-door's puppies again.



And I have new embroidery book to play with.



You see? It's not all bad after all!



P.S. "Taking a scat" is an expression The Girl uses when someone throws a wobbly - usually a teacher. Until this very moment, I thought it was about jazz-talk: ranting in a crazy way, scatting. But just now I realised it more likely means taking an emotional dump. How lovely! I won't be using that expression again in a hurry!

13 comments:

ashley0107 said...

Get playing with your embroidery book, I hope you feel better soon *hugs*
Ashley x

didyoumakethat said...

Life sounds a b***h at the moment. Something to take heart from: you can compose a beautiful blog post even when you just want to rant and get it off your chest. Rant, hurl a virtual plate in my direction, punch a cushion ... do some embroidery, sew some seeds, learn an interesting new word! Keep swimming.

Lorna said...

Hey, I'm with you. I hate couples who have been married for a million years and had a life time of togetherness and still don't know how lucky they are. (Not fair, not beeping fair.) We only need one more and we could re-enact the opening scene from Macbeth. Can we, please, pretty please, go on let me.

Paula said...

Step away from the knitting. I've ripped out the v-neck portions of my brown sweater 3 times and it's still not right. It's so simple! Yet I've managed to screw it up 3 times! I went on to the back where it's truly stupid straight stockinette.

Just do nothing for a day...go to the beach or something tomorrow..yeah...maybe a few hours drive (no idea)...Lake Michigan is about 4 hours for me here...but it's good for the soul.

Feel better...but allow yourself to veg...you don't have to be doing something every second!

Segwyne said...

<<>>

Edamommy said...

Feeling the way you do right now - it's just where you're at. And that's OK.

**hugs**

All my best.

tim's wife said...

UGH, I can feel your frustration and sense of helplessness from here. SO hard. Wish I had some words of wisdom, but I don't. I look at our young daughter some days and could just scream with anger over why this had to happen to her. Our head nurse was off Wed and Thurs, but I spoke to her briefly yesterday at a meeting she came in for and she is going to ask the docs today if there is any way to get Carfilzomib. I'm going to call our clinical trial nurse too and ask her what she knows about that possibility.Thinking of y'all.

faeriecollege said...

I SO empathise with you. Everyone around me is getting married. EVERYONE. If I have to hear "awww, you'll find someone soon" ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to scream. Here's a clue, I don't WANT anyone. I don't NEED anyone to be happy. I'm. Effing. FINE. Stop trying to make me feel like a second rate human being simply because I'm not interested in white dresses and living together and ugh, babies.

Anyhoo. Feel better Roo. Do things you like. We love you.

feresaknit said...

When shall we three met again? In thunder, lightning or in rain?

Most of the time I'm fine with not having kids and love knitting baby stuff and am able to not fret over something I can't change but once in a while something will surprise me and trigger a sense of well, loss, almost.

Oh and I can't figure out what Didyoumakethat meant by b***h! ;D

Saffi said...

Sorry you're going through a rough patch, and that the things you usually use to regain your equilibrium aren't working at the moment. Sending you some cyber hugs.

Sandy said...

It is not fair... it is f**ing not fair and there is no way to sugar coat a pile of crap. This is the place to rant and vent and no one will think worse of you for it.

Like "Tim's Wife," my relative has a young, only child who didn't deserve this hand of cards and sometimes I feel so helpless, too, wishing I could DO something.

Sorry you are going through this... hugs from the jungle and just letting you know you were heard.

Cathy said...

You seem to do the same as me when in a black mood, that is do a rubbish job- weed hacking, floor scrubbing- even oven cleaning if I am really bad. At least then you havent wasted any time when things are ok in doing the cr@ppy jobs!
But I agree, just leave the point sticks alone for a bit!

Debi said...

Thank you for sharing this...I know it must have been difficult! We love you! Sending you big hugs for this difficult time!!!