Saturday, January 30, 2016

This Ain't Kansas, Toto

Last night when I got home, Hero was looking worried.  I assumed that he had disgraced himself and checked in the... ahem... naughty corner.  Nothing.  I checked the bins - no evidence of a raid. Strange.
It was only when I took him out for his walk that he showed me the source of his anxiety:  our log store had been blown into a tree and is stuck in the branches.  It usually sits just through the window from the dog basket, so I can only imagine what Toto, sorry Hero, must have thought when it whirled through the air at the edge of his vision.  It probably made quite a racket too, as the ground was strewn with the wood that had been inside.  Oh my!

Today FL had a few moments of communication.  He opened his eyes a few times and was definitely "present" as he did so.
His golfing pal paid a short visit and rang one of FL's oldest friends on his mobile phone, holding it to FL's good ear so he could hear what was said.  I was holding FL's hand at the time and he squeezed my fingers, I assume to thank us for making that possible.  His old pal was delighted and heartbroken at the same time.  He had hoped to say goodbye in person, but is not well enough to travel.

Later in the morning, FL was clearly in some pain, so I asked the nurses to give him some top-up pain relief.  He was soon comfortable again, sleeping peacefully.

He has not taken in any fluids for 3 days now and his hands and forehead are very cool to the touch. The skin around his eyes is taking on a purple hue.
His mouth is open most of the time and sometimes his jaw moves, as if he was chewing.
I understand that these are signs of "active dying".

I sat beside him for a little longer than usual.
It feels like the end is getting closer and I am reluctant to leave.
But at the same time, he needs to know that he is free to go.
Every night I say my goodbyes, aware that it may be for the last time.
I tell him to look after himself and I tell him that I love him.
There is nothing more I can do now.



88 comments:

Sox said...

I have no words, but I am thinking of you and your love.

Wakeymakes said...

Love and Yorkshire hugs to you and yours K xXx

MaryinTN said...

Thinking of you and FL. Glad you and he had a pleasant visit with friends and FL was pain free afterwards. Praying for you both.

Glasto63 said...

You are doing SO much xx.

Sarah said...

Wishing you peace and strength. FL knows he is safe and loved and that must give you some comfort. I'm sitting with my father in law who too is ailing and shrinking away. He has been very angry both with his illness and the world, but now seems to have found some peace. Thinking of you both (and Hero too). X

Knitlass said...

Oh my. You seem to be thinking (and writing) so clearly. Bestest wishes x

Jane Neave said...

Xxxxxx

Carmel said...

Lying awake here, can't sleep, so read your post earlier than usual. At your mention of 'active dying' I googled it - I had no idea...
Hope Hero has recovered from his fright.
Peace and love to you all.

Brenda said...

You are in my thoughts and good wishes for a peaceful transition.

annieloveslinen said...

You're navigating unchartered territory here and from where I sit you're doing grand. Keep knitting.

K.Line said...

You're awesome. I'm thinking of you both...

Karen Venables said...

You're doing everything right. Sending more good thoughts to you both.

Siga said...

I am heartbroken for you. Yes, you must let him go.

Redhedhels said...

Oh Roo... You are always in or thoughts. Hugs

5arahel said...

You've done so very much, and are still doing all FL needs you to do now. Love and hugs.

ambermog said...

Thinking of you and sending strength and much love xx

Athene said...

He may need your absence in order to let go - I've come across this many times. Thinking of you, and the grace and dignity you've displayed throughout this.

Lorna A said...

Apart from Paula I have no experience to draw on.
Your knitting does seem to encapsulate life and all its many colours and moods. How fitting. xxxx

Mad about Craft said...

no words, xxxx

Sadie said...

Thinking of you both xx

Jackie Dean said...

All you can do now is love him, sending hugs and strength xx

Probably Jane said...

Much love xx

lemon said...

<3

Mummybuttons said...

sending love and light at a time which seems unbearble for me to imagine

Charlotte Tilley said...

Xxxxx

Charlotte Tilley said...

Xxxxx

Louise Perry said...

Can't begin to understand how awful this must be. xxxx

Marie said...

I have no words that can make you feel remotely better, but please know that you are in my thoughts every day, xx

greenmtngirl said...

Thinking of you both, reading along, sending love.

Linda C said...

How wonderful that you and FL are at this time together- he knows you love him, and you know he knows it. No regrets you didn't get to say goodbye - you tell him every day. I am lifting you and FL up this beautiful Spring-like afternoon. By early in the week Winter will be back with heavy rains, chances for ice and flood,
for now I seize the day - leaving the house to walk in the yard and look for flowers. I may see snowdrops b3cause it's nearly February. Much love and prayers as always.

Star speckles said...

Thinking of you, I wish there was something we could do for you. You're being so strong and it must be so comforting for FL having you there.

xx

lululucy said...

I don't know what to say other than that I'm thinking of you and FL, and your strength and grace in helping him say goodbye the way he needs to.

seamedstraightforward said...

I so admire you, and your spine of stainless steel. Wishing you both peace and comfort in these difficult days.
Awesome knitting too.

Mapmaker said...

I am thinking of you and FL often, following along on your journey of love and admiring your immense, dedicated, respectful, attentive, and poetic caregiving (of FL of course, but also of Hero). Someone very wise once told me that I need not worry how to handle a major loss (she meant losing a soul companion of any sort--human or animal); that something--or someone--inside me would help me find the way, even if I had never been down that path before. I have found this to be true, and it comforts me when I am faced with the terrible unknowns of life without my most familiar and trusted companions. I am hoping and wishing you find whatever you need in this difficult transition.

from103 said...

Thinking of you- you are showing such care and love, hugs, Sx

Susan said...

Poor Hero that must have been frightening.
As ever xxx

RooKnits said...

Sending my love x

RooKnits said...

Sending my love x

Jodie said...

Roo - like your many other readers, I read daily and bear witness. I'm glad that our comments make you feel less alone and supported. I just hope that there is a physical person that can hold you up when you need to fall apart. Your knitting and writing is beautiful. I wish you both peace and you strength for whatever comes.

CarolS said...

Strength, peace, love XXXX

velosewer said...

Lots of love to you both.

jessica said...

So much love and grace shines through every sentence, photo, post. Sending you love each day.

Susan_in_Peckham said...

Thinking about you and FL (and Hero)

poppyinstitches said...

thinking of you x

Jenni said...

Laura said...

Poor Hero! That must have been quite the sight! Shame dogs can't record video ;)

You have done, and are still doing, everything you can. It sounds like FL is comforted, peaceful and knows he is greatly loved, which is all any one can ask for.

Much love xxxxx

deborah said...

Much love and my thoughts remain with you xxx

andsewtoknit said...

Sending much love.

william said...

I always admired your camber dress on Pinterest . So I thought I'd revisit your blog and I had no idea you were both going through so much.
Your writing is amazing so moving.
Wishing you all strength and love.
Susan x

C McNichols said...

You are a great inspiration. Thank you so much for sharing this part of the myeloma journey in such a deep and thoughtful way. My only relation with you is through your blog, sharing in the battle of this terrible disease. If I only lived closer, I would to to give you a hug to tell you how much I admire you for the strength you are demonstrating.

God bless you.

Mela R. said...

Wishing you strength and peace. This is so hard.

Nita said...

Poor Hero.
I think of you often and hope the peaceful thoughts of all who follow your posts are helping to lift you up and smooth FLs passing over.

rosylea said...

Just checking in again, along with so many others who are thinking of you and following your journey. You have given me and I'm sure others, an idea of how it can be, this helping a loved one in such a hard place. Hope today has been a peaceful one. R

Lynne said...

Prayers, Roo...

Donna Hensley said...

And you too are loved. Take care of yourself.

Tineke said...

You are both in my thoughts.

Mindo said...

This must be so difficult for you, and yet you have the strength and grace to share your journey.

Thinking of you.

Jane Collins said...

Thinking of you

Mog said...

Just checking in before bed. Thinking of you and sending you love and strength.x

Knitlass said...

Like Mog, I'm checking in on you and FL, and wishing you both peace and gentleness. Slip away soft and sleep well, FL.

Emma said...

Thinking of you both and sending my love.

barb in texas said...

you and your beloved are in my thoughts- peace and comfort to both of you-

barb in texas

Nursebennett said...

I've waited all evening and still no update. I pray for strength and peace for you, Ruth. Please know 100's are there in spirit upholding you as you say you goodbyes if FL's time to fly high has come.

Alex Kiernan said...

Checking in - wishing you and FL strength and sending love and support

Alex Kiernan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
opakowana said...

I've been checking for updates, like the others, most of the evening and now...
sending you lots of strength and hugs,

Kaye from Adelaide said...

My thoughts are with you both.

lorna brown said...

Me too. All of the above. I don't know you, but your writing is so vivid, warm and open that it feels as if a dear friend is suffering. Wish I could do something more practical, but I'll have to settle for words instead. Know that there is an army of people out there, we're all thinking of you and sending you hugs. Xx

Mags said...

Letting you know that you are still in my thoughts. Wishing you peace and strength for the days ahead. xxx

sulkycat said...

As others have said, I hope you have someone to give you the physical support when needed. Thinking of you.

Hariluna said...

Sending much love xxxxxx

Miss said...

You're both in my thoughts and prayers, Roo and FL
x

Suzie said...

Hugs and prayers from Richmond VA

Nina Waters said...

As so many others have said, I'm thinking of you and FL at this time. Wish there was something I could practically do to offer support.

Sew little time said...

thinking of you both roo. xxx

Susie Hewer said...

Allowing him to leave you must be incredibly hard. Your love is palpable. Sending you much love and virtual hugs, Susie xxx

Mapmaker said...

Checking in again, like others. Thinking of you often, sending warm thoughts and love.

MaryinTN said...

Hugs and much love and peace for you and FL and Hero. Thinking of you.

Gillian Hall said...

Take care of yourself, Roo. You have been so strong and brave but you will need to look after your health. And another bad storm on the way today. Very much with you in spirit.

coyotewoman said...

You're not alone. Sitting beside you, holding your hand across the miles. Gloria Maurer Coyote, NM USA.

CarolS said...

The surges in the turbulence of the current storms may reflect what you are going through. Remember the rainbow. Love to you.

Miss Norm said...

Roo I keep checking your Blog, it is funny how Blog Folk who we have never met
become part of our everyday day lives. I have even talked about your struggles getting the support you rightly deserved with friends, like you are my friend. I guess if you care about someone and their lives that is indeed, friendship.

Roo even though I have posted a few times, it amazes me how supportive and caring people are, maybe we are all you virtual friends and family !!

Thinking of you and your family Roo

Norm x

Nic laliloo said...

Thinking of you both and sending much love. nic (laliloo) x

Jennifer Coupe said...

God bless you and keep you safe and give you peace of mind. Look after your loyal dog.

zangmo said...

Hi Roo...just a note to say that I am thinking about you both. Much love and hugs xxx

Saffi said...

Roo, thinking of you both. (And poor Hero in these storms!)

TempestKnits said...

Rosemary and I are thinking of you, Ruth - and hoping very much that you are OK.

Karen Venables said...

Checking in and sending love.