Monday, February 01, 2016

The End

August 2010

My First Love died last night at 6.15pm.

I woke yesterday morning knowing that I had one last task to perform for him, before the end.

So I settled down beside him and I told him our story.
I started at the beginning. A very good place to start.
We drifted in and out of each other’s lives for over 20 years before I came here.
It was a mess.  I was a mess.
I reminded him that 12 years ago, almost to the day, he had written to me that we must end our connection.  That unless I broke free of him I would never be happy.  That I owed it to my children to stay with their father.  That I should move forward, instead of trying to rewrite the past.


I was so weary, so worn down by the emotional turmoil of the preceding weeks, months, years that I agreed.  I let him end it, finally.  Again.
Except... a few days later he wrote to me.  He was angry, he was bereft:  did he mean so little to me that I would give him up so easily? 
There were tears.  Of course.
We made a plan to be together.
And I gave up all that was good and safe and secure for the madness that was my First Love.

And here we were, 12 years later.
Against all odds we made a go of it and we have been happy together, so very very happy... but now he was dying...
I told him that it was time for him to go and for me to move on.  
I told him about my plans for the future:  about the little terraced house in Yorkshire with the cat and the chickens.
That there would never be another man for me, because he was The One.
That now it was time for him to let me go, time for him to let go of life and leave me.
That I would be fine.
And he must be at peace now.

And then I played him a recording of Stephane Grapelli and McCoy Tyner:  “Summertime” from Porgy and Bess. 

It was a song that meant a lot to him.  He had told me many times of a farewell party held in honour of a jazz pianist friend who was dying of cancer, and how he had persuaded his friend to play one last time for those he loved.  This was the song that was played that night.

FL had been lying all this while with eyes closed, breathing unevenly.  As soon as the music began to play, he jerked his eyes open and he seemed to be trying to speak.
I held him and stroked his forehead and told him to be at peace now, be at peace.

He seemed to fall asleep.

The day passed.
It was time for me to head home.
I decided to play the song one more time, as I gathered my things ready to go.
Almost at once his breathing pattern changed.  He was breathing so hard and fast the bed was vibrating.  I called a nurse and she confirmed that it would not be long now.
And it wasn’t.

That was yesterday.

Today I began the hideous process of administration and sifting through his things.
Slowly uncovering the past and realising that I was terribly terribly naive all those years ago, thinking I was the only one.
Ha!
But you know what?  It doesn’t matter anymore.
We had 12 good years together and now... now he is gone.

Let’s remember the good times.  Because what else can we do now?


Be at peace, FL.

247 comments:

1 – 200 of 247   Newer›   Newest»
India McMillan-Dickman said...

oh. The best of wishes. My heart is aching for you

from103 said...

Oh Roobeedoo, I feel for you. Sx

serendipturas said...

May you be at peace too, Roo.

Susan_in_Peckham said...

May he be at peace and may you find your way easily to the next phase of your life...

c_j_d said...

I've been thinking of you these last weeks, and today in particular. My very best wishes to you.

Siga said...

I feared it had happened. Hugs and strength to you!

Stevie said...

Roo I am so terribly sorry, i've been checking in everyday but couldn't find the words. I hope you are also at peace and that you get the support and love you need at this time. Sending all our love x

sewstyled said...

You have my sympathy from far away.
It's a such a nice photograph of you and FL- he looks so dapper and you look lovely in that dress.

Marjorie said...

Hugs

Mags said...

So sad for you Roo. You have been a wonderful wife. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Wishing you peace and strength. xxx ps that's a lovely photograph.

Nick UK said...

Thinking of you

Brenda said...

You're right! Thinking of the good times will help get you through whatever is next. I'm sorry that after all of the process of the physical ending there other paperwork and chores. Good luck to you getting thought that. And you continue to be in my thoughts.

Ruth West said...

Sending love to ease the pain, and strength for the coming days and weeks. Be kind to yourself. You've done a wonderful thing. x

blue hands said...

And peace with you too. xxx

5arahel said...

You did a wonderful thing. You've been in my thoughts all day, and will continue to be in the days to come. But I do hope you have some more tangible support too.

Miss Norm said...

He was a gift in your life, as you were in his Roo

Celebrate that, smile, cry, look after yourself

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Much love Roo

Gillian Hall said...

What a wonderful and inspired last thing to do for him. No-one could have done more for your lovely FL than you have. I am glad you were gifted with such happiness together. xxx

Saffi said...

Such a lovely photograph. You both look so happy. Thank you letting us be part of your love story.

Helen said...

Oh Roo. I'm so so sorry for your loss. I'm glad you had such a lovely time together and that you have such beautiful memories. Thinking of you. Xx

Athene said...

Glad that you were able to retell your story, and that you were there at the end. Yes, there will be surprises and discoveries ahead, some bad and some good - do we ever really know someone? You had 12 years together and you supported him to that point where none of us can go further and only he could go on. Be proud of what you had together. Rest in peace, FL. And loving thoughts are with you, Roo.

Sarah said...

Oh, Roo. Your bravery and courage is an example to us all. This is how you love someone; wholey and completely.

In your grief,you have taught us all a very powerful and important lesson. My thought are with you.

gemlad said...

Big hugs.

K.Line said...

I knew this had happened when we didn't hear from you yesterday. I'm so, so sad for your loss and I'm sending you much love. I hope that the liminal state can carry you through the administration calmly. xoxo

Su-z said...

What a beautiful post. It sounds as though you gave him a heartfelt send off. I wish you peace and hope your wonderful memories will keep you company.

HappyAcademicRunner said...

Such a lovely photo, Roo. Thinking of you and the days ahead. Xx

Mad about Craft said...

May FL rest in peace after his awful illness and may you find peace in the love you had together.

I do hope the admin side of things goes well and be gentle with yourself

Hugs xxxx

ambermog said...

My dearest Roo, you did everything you could for the man you love and he died knowing he was with you the one he loved. We can all hope for this in our lives I think. Go gently and may the forthcoming days be bearable knowing you gave FL this. Much love and strength xxx

Jill said...

I'm so sorry to read this and wish you all the strength you need to get through the next days and weeks and probably more. It sounds like you aided a very peaceful passing for your FL and I'm so proud of you for doing this.

coyotewoman said...

What lovely post. I'm soo so sorry for your loss.

Helene said...

I'm very sorry for you loss. You've dealt with this hard time with such courage and compassion. Thank you for sharing this journey, as it has inspired and comforted me.

Jenny Larking said...

It was as I feared yesterday and yet you have made the time to tell us all your very sad news. Thank you and thank you for your beautiful story. I am glad you were there at the end and know that he was a lucky man to have you.

happymousefairy said...

Roo, your eloquence is heart-rendingly beautiful.
Thank you for sharing this most difficult of times.
Wishing you and your family love and courage to work through the next part.

skipseagirl said...

Deepest condolences to you Roo. Wishing you continued strength and peace in the days, weeks and months ahead. You are an inspiration.
Best wishes,

paisleyapron said...

So sorry he is gone. I am glad you were there and wish you peace on the next part of your journey through life. How wonderful it is to have loved....

Nursebennett said...

I knew and wishes so badly to be able to comfort you in some way. You gave him a beautiful gift of helping him leave his way. That takes strength and true love. My best wishes to you in the difficult days ahead and I pray you find beauty and happiness increasingly as the days go on.

Mog said...

Oh Roo, I'm so very sorry. How well you loved him, and he you. You did him proud. Thank you for sharing this part of your life together. Sending much love to you and the beloved Hero. Take care.xxx

Tineke said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of you.
I don't have a lot of words, but thinking of you.

Cartervater said...

Peace be with dearest FL, and with you our stoic wonderful loving Roo. My heart bleeds for you. xxx

Witchknit said...

Thank you for allowing us to share this journey with you. Heartfelt condolences and wishing you peace.

Adele Terrill said...

I feared it had happened yesterday when we didn't hear from you. I'm so sorry Roo. will the children come and stay with you for a bit now? You need someone to care for you a while now while you grieve and let go. Don't get too bogged in the admin, it can wait. Cups of tea and comfort knitting and walks with the dog will serve you better in these first few days. It is a lovely photo of you both, a happy time to look back on and smile, you sent him off with grace and dignity and love and I think that's a wonderful gift.. Prayers are with you x

Elizabeth said...

Sending you love and comfort from Kansas.

Knitlass said...

So sorry to hear the news, but glad that FL is now at peace. What a lovely way to part from each other, remembering your journey together.

With good wishes, and condolences. Take care of yourself now.

lilysgrannie said...

Sending peace and comfort to you today.

Mary said...

Thinking of you. Mary.

Lynn said...

A beautiful goodbye. Peace to you, too.

Jenni said...

Sending love x

Mapmaker said...

What a beautiful image. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you again for sharing your experiences here; it has been an honor to see into the inner spaces of your relationship with FL. Sending you peace, as others have.

Amphibiaknitter said...

My heart breaks for you.

It's not the length of time you have together, but the quality of that time. In that, you are forever lucky and forever blessed.

Cherish the memories.

The administrivia of death is I think a way of keeping your mind together at this point. It gives you some concrete tasks to focus on.

Don't forget to eat and don't forget to breathe.

We'll be here waiting for you as you begin your next chapter. You're not walking alone - it just feels like it now.

(And good luck dealing with his family. Ugh.)

Aire and Angel said...

What a privilege to share this with you.

Aire and Angel

Stephen Greene said...

You adventured together and tasted of life mixed with lightning bolts. While the nearby universe quaked beneath your bounding leaps, you thrilled to the chase of life on the edge of the precipice you loaned to each other.

Dreadfully sorry for your loss, and hopeful you'll move on with memories of FL tucked neatly away.

Charlotte said...

Oh my. So glad you could be there with him for those last moments, and I'm so very very sorry for your loss. It's a terrible thing to lose your one person. I think it must be different for everyone, but I know I carry mine in my heart every day -- he's still very much a part of me.

Rachel said...

Even now you write so beautifully. Sending my sympathies, and strength for all that lies ahead.

MaryinTN said...

Oh Roo. I had feared this when there was no post. FL loved you very deeply, and you love him and will always. His love for you bursts forth in that beautiful photo. He will be waiting for you and you will see him again. For now, don't rush the administrative stuff. You need to heal and rest too. This past year in particular has been a very heavy load that you carried with dignity, courage and live. Spend time with your children and Hero. Knit socks and continue to amaze us with your beautiful knitting. Xxxoooxxx

LinB said...

I am so sorry for your loss. May grace and peace be with you, especially in the days and weeks ahead. Thank you for letting us walk this part of the journey with you.

Carmel said...

A Love Story-What a wonderful parting gift for FL to take with him..so eloquently told my heart is breaking. Rest and recover now Roo.
I'm so glad you have created a vision of the future for yourself. Peace and contentment to look forward to...
Thinking of you. X

Anthea Neilsen said...

Oh God, I'm so sorry. Thank you for allowing us to come on this journey with you.

Jackie Dean said...

Thank you for sharing your journey, take time to recover and I too am thinking of you.

SewCraftyChemist said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hope you can find comfort in all the wonderful years you had together.

E McAfee said...

Thank you for being so open and honest, both with all of us and with FL. Wishing you the best in the time to come.

Joyce Ward said...

Sending sympathy and blessings to you. A great, very human, love story. Thank you for sharing your story.

I wish you well.

Susan said...

Peace to your FL and sympathy to you. Thank you for sharing. Moving on begins now.

Christine Sweeney said...

Thank you for sharing your love story and your stories of love.
Ave FL.

M-C

Hariluna said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Wishing you much peace and love. Take one step at a time and take care of your beautiful self. Your sharing of your journey has been a profound healing experience for me and for others. You have a friend here in Australia even though we have never met xxxx

Andrea said...

I hope now that you are looked after and can recover from this experience. So sorry for your loss. I hope you have peace as you move into the next part of your life.

needle nose apparel said...

My heart aches for you. What a wonderful story you shared to help with FL's passing, I'm sure it was of great comfort to him.

sulkycat said...

How terribly sad. Sleep well FL, and take time to look after yourself Roo.

Unknown said...

My heart breaks for you, but I wish that peace will eventually fill your heart and that the sweet memories will comfort you.

Taran said...

I'm so sorry for the end, but so glad you got the time you had together. And I hope that you have much love and laughter and solace in your future.

Paula K said...

I'm so sorry for your loss - you both truly loved each other and that is the important thing. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I've been tearing up everyday when I read your posts. They've been so poignant and full of truth. Much love to you and peace to FL.

Alimak said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You gave your FL wonderful and most loving care. To be able to spend those last moments with a loved person is a precious gift. I hope your friends and family are close. I wish you a lot of strength and all the best.

leslie said...

Deepest condolences to you Roo. Wishing you continued strength, and comforts in the days ahead. Thank you for sharing this time with us...I will listen to Summertime & think of you and your FL

leslie said...

Deepest condolences to you Roo. Wishing you continued strength, and comforts in the days ahead. Thank you for sharing this time with us...I will listen to Summertime & think of you and your FL

Andrea said...

Deepest sympathy for your loss -- all the more so for the beautiful way in which you shared your last days with FL. A story lovingly told and refreshing in its candor -- sad, and yet not without hope. And in itself, a wonderful tribute.

Wishing you strength as you navigate the next chapter of your own life.

Linda said...

You will be in my prayers. I'm so sorry.

woollythinker said...

You must be feeling so much. I'm glad the struggle of the last few weeks is over; sorry it has been so very difficult; and deeply grateful for your posts. Wishing you strength and comfort.

Linda C said...

What a wonderful goodbye gift you gave, and I hope, received! One final remembrance of your life together -and the joy you shared together. I will remember this . give yourself a bit of a break before you start clearing out. Buy yourself a special treat , and you and Hero walk outside. Much love, thinking of you all, prayers.

LindaC

Beth (SunnyGal Studio) said...

I've been reading daily and sending you good thoughts across the globe. I hope you are OK and take some time to rest and recover yourself as well. Sorry for your loss.

vanDoor said...

I'm sorry for your loss.
Do look after yourself roo

Kaitlyn said...

As I have been reading your blog over the last weeks, what shone through most brightly was the love, are and devotion that you had for FL. It brought back bittersweet memories of my mum being there for my dad in his final days. A good love is one that runs deep, and is there for the other person even in the darkest hours. I hope that over the next weeks, months and years that your memories, and the love that the two of you shared will sustain you. Much love

Julesy said...

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this news Roo, and so sorry for your loss. I've really admired your strength through this, and the limitless love and devotion you've shown. I sincerely wish you the best as you move into this new stage in your life, and hope that the love and devotion you had for FL gives you strength to get through the hard times. Sending love.

Jessica Walker said...

Thank you for being able to write so beautifully of your experiences, however sad. Twelve lovely years; indeed something to celebrate. Peace, JW

opakowana said...

Here is my toast to your GOOD 12 years together!

When The End comes, it comes surprisingly suddenly and quickly. And then you have to learn to breathe again and un-clench your jaws... but it's not over yet, is it. But soon. For me the big next step, after my Mum died, was the funeral marking that chapter ending.

I am sending you lots and lots of strength and hugs.

and don't forget to write the blog - for you and for us. You know what a source of good advice and info we all are.

Dottie Doodle said...

I'm so sorry. It's been a privilege to read your story with FL. Take care. Xx

rosylea said...

I am sorry for your loss, and glad that you were able to offer such considered and loving support. I hope the next little while is not too hard, and that you can take comfort in your creative life and your happy memories. R

poppyinstitches said...

I am so sorry, thinking of you. Reading your daily blog so beautiful written and thoughtful, has been an inspiration of strength. Take care and thinking of you xx

Macska said...

I am so sorry Roo. Thinking of you *hugs*

Karen Venables said...

Thank you for sharing this difficult journey with such eloquence and grace. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you strength and peace in the coming months as you grieve for your FL. Much love.

Rosesred said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful way to spend his last day here.

Lynne said...

Oh Roo, I am so sorry for your loss. I have been thinking of you both a lot, virtual hugs from me. Love, Lynne x

Jane said...

I'm so, so sorry to hear your sad news Ruth. Take good care of yourself my friend. I'll continue to think of you and send you lots of love. xxx

LynneSews said...

Such a beautiful tribute post, when your heart must be in pieces. I'm so glad you were with him, and his last day was so full of love.

Alex Kiernan said...

Thinking of you

Wakeymakes said...

I am so sorry for your loss but glad you both had the courage to get together and enjoy your time. You are an example to us all of courage and determination. We are only here this once and you have proved we should all take the maximum we can out of this life. Thank you for sharing I think you have changed a few other people's views of life. Love and Yorkshire hugs for your future Karen xXx

Lily M said...

So sorry for your loss, Roo. Thinking of you. Hugs from Somerset.

Lily M said...

So sorry for your loss, Roo. Thinking of you. Hugs from Somerset.

Kerry Green said...

Deeply sad for your loss Roo, a beautiful passing for FL x

Sew little time said...

So sorry to hear this too. What a lovely end you gave him, reminding him of all you shared. Rest in peace FL and much love to you Roo. Hope you have the support you need. Xxx

Sew little time said...

So sorry to hear this too. What a lovely end you gave him, reminding him of all you shared. Rest in peace FL and much love to you Roo. Hope you have the support you need. Xxx

Linda said...

So sorry to hear this. ((HUGS)) from a sometime reader of your blog. I wish you courage for the future. X

Lynne said...

What a beautiful thing to do, to speak of your love and your story, to celebrate that... dying is so intimate and what could be more intimate than sharing your love too? Beautiful. Remember that we are here too, if you need us, because now begins another tough job... the administration and the grieving, and it can take a long time... up and down. I hope your hospice there has some kind of grief counseling or support, just in case you need it someday. Sometimes things go fine and then a few months down the way you may be struggling more, and so reach out, please...here or there or somewhere! Despite my experience as a hospice nurse and despite having found my own true love and wonderful soul mate of a man, I am not in your shoes ... when I try to imagine, my heart aches for you... but I love too that you focus on the beauty and you celebrate the love for you and your FL shared. So warm hugs and wishing you the best, Lynne

Janet said...

So so sorry to hear this. I have tears in my eyes, so heartbreaking... If only we could turn the clock back... Thinking of you and hope you find peace xx

Laura said...

Oh Roo. I'm so sorry, and so glad you were able to be there for him. It sounds like you were able to give him peace and love at the last, and it meant everything to him.

Take care of yourself too, and remember that we're all here still, and anything we can do, we will.

Much love xxxxx

Ingrid K. said...

Dear Roo,

Sending you love...

Ingrid xx
Myfunkycrochet.blogspot.be

Susan said...

I am so very sorry, and I hope that you will be able to find peace. I have been constantly amazed by your strength, and the way in which you were able to write about FL's final journey with such eloquence. Love and best wishes.x

Joan said...


Dear Roo, what a lesson of diignity in grief you give us. I wish I could do more than just offer you my deepest sympathy and a virtual shoulder to lean on.

And what a lovely photo of the two of you. It illustrates beautifully the best chapter of your story.

Eirini said...

What a nice thought to talk to him about your story before the end! Thinking of you..Take care...

agirlinwinter said...

Words are inadequate at a time like this, but I am very sorry for your loss. Your love for each other shone through in every post you wrote about your life together. I don't know you but I cried as I read this post. I wish you strength to get through the next few weeks xxx

shivani said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending strength & love x

seamedstraightforward said...

Deeply moved by your beautiful and dignified post, and especially the lovely photo.
We are all flawed; as you say, the way forward is to remember and celebrate all that was good.
I'm truly sorry to hear of your loss, and keep you in my thoughts.

Isabella said...

I did think that this was the reason you missed an update. I'm very sorry, (((hugs))) but glad to hear you were by his side when the time came and that his passing was peaceful. You did everything you could to smooth his last days and that will be a consolation in future months.

Don't fret too much over getting everything sorted out asap, get the funeral arranged and over with, sit down and take a deep breath. There's no rush.

justmejay said...

So very sorry. Love and hugs xxx

Miss said...

Dear Roo, deepest sympathy to you. You have been one in a million - and your gift to your FL, how beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us, your readers and friends. I am glad you had 12 happy years - wish it had been more for you both.
Hope you can get rest, and support in the days ahead.
Peace, dear lady.
xx

Clamball said...

So very sorry to hear this. You are an amazing person to share all of this with your readers over the last months/years. Lots of best wishes for the future.

Louise Perry said...

So sad for you. Xxxxxx

Marilla Walker said...

My thoughts are with you dear sweet woman. Lots of love xxx

Susie Hewer said...

Dearest Roo, my heart aches for you and your FL but I know you will take strength from the years you had together and the love you shared. You are now about to enter unkown territory as you go through your grieving process. May you find peace in the love you shared and strength to find a way through to the next phase of your life. Much love, Susie xxx

unlabelled clothes said...

You write so beautifully. It's very moving. I'm so sorry Ruth for your loss and pain. Thinking of you.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, but also glad that you could make it as full of love as it sounds.
Thank you for writing about this journey so eloquently and beautifully. I'm sure you will have helped many people.
Take care of yourself now...x

Carmen Bouchard said...

Dear Ruth,
I don't know what to say... I'm afraid no amount of Internet love will fill that gaping hole...
When you feel better and are ready to be out and about, please consider coming over to France for a little visit. The door's open.

Valerie said...

Sorry for your loss Roo. I hope you keep writing for us now and then, because although FL has gone the whirlpool of emotion will keep twirling for quite some time. We're here to listen.

Deborah Simms said...

Much love xx

Jen Rouse said...

So so sorry for your loss Ruth, it sounds like you spent that last day doing just what was right. Thank you so much for sharing this final story of your life with FL with your readers. I've always thought your writing was just as beautiful as your knitting, but never more so than now. These posts have moved me to tears, partly for losses in my own life but also to see your courage in witnessing FL's decline, staying present, holding his hand. In the deepest, darkest bits of life, where everything else falls away, that's where the love really shines. Thank you for letting us see what that looks like. Now for the long journey back to the surface. I wish you deep sleep and good friends and spring flowers - and burying yourself in admin too if it's what you need. Go gently xxx

JustSewJenna said...

My heart goes out to you. Sending you love and strength. Xxxx

Annieval said...

Rest now Roo you must be exhausted. You have carried this weight for so long. It's OK to stop and breathe and just be. If you look at the big administrative picture it can be overwhelming when you are feeling at your most fragile. Just take it one little step at a time and you will get there. Much love and deep peace. x

Lizzi said...

x

T said...

No words. xx

starryfish said...

So sorry for your loss, RIP FL.

Minigranny said...

So sorry. XXX

Janine said...

You have shared a very personal story with us. It has been up and down and unfortunately there were too many hiccups. It sounds like he was at peace at the end though. It seems.to me though that FL was with you so you were the one with him. Hope the funeral goes well.

Emma said...

Dear Roo,
I am so very sorry for your loss. Your beloved FL, your true love and soulmate, will forever be in your heart and, in a small way, in ours.
I am so glad that you were able to be with him, to help him let go.
I hope that all our love will help a little to carry you through the days ahead.

PaisleyPirouette said...

Thank you for sharing your story how you spent the last time. I am very sorry for you and your FL. you have had however wonderful and happy years together and you have found a very good way how to live the end. For now, I wish you strength to manage your further life and to enjoy it later on.

TempestKnits said...

Dear Ruth. Please know that tincture of time will heal the pain of grief, and that FL will be forever in your heart as you move into the next chapter of your life. I have followed your Blog for a very long time now - I first came here after your lovely Cinderella's Secret Stockings pattern won a prize in a knitting magazine. I feel even though I have not often commented, that in some way we have swung through the last few years together. I have seen much change in my life, as it has in yours. Sending much love and comfort to you from myself and Rosemary.

Gwenynen said...

I just wanted to stop in and say how sorry I am. I hope you can also find some peace.
Dyddgu (Bee) from ravelry

Jane Neave said...

Dear Roo. My heart is aching for you. Hold on to and cherish all your happy memories you had together. Sending you love and strength at this very sad time xxxx

Sue said...

Thinking of you. Take care

Unknown said...

Der Roo,

I'm a still reader about years .

My deepest condolence - without many words.

I would like say - thank you for sharing our storie and insigth in private moment's and that you have a goal for the part of your live.
You are a very strong, brave and charming women!
I send your for the days much love and light.
May Good bless you and protect your ways.

Ingelore


Mairead Hardy said...

Sending love xx

The Coffee Lady said...

I've been reading every day; my thoughts are with you. We are all here in this little space.

Jen Forsythe said...


I'm so glad that you eventually had those years together and you have been there in such a strong way for him throughout his illness. Also good that you were with him in his last hours and were able to speak the way you did. Clearly very sorry that he has passed and I wish you continued strength in the days and weeks ahead. Kind Regards, Jen

zangmo said...

Dearest Roo.... what can I say. So sad that FL has now passed. He is not gone though as you still have all the memories. Take time to allow yourself to grieve. The next few days you will be busy with admin stuff and then the quiet will come. Be ready for it and allow it to happen. We are all here for you. My heart and thoughts are with you and the offer still remains if you wish to meet up. Sus xx

Diana Burrell said...

What a lovely send off you gave your man. My deepest sympathy and condolences. Sending you a warm hug from Massachusetts.

Janey said...

Oh Roo, my heart goes out to you at this difficult and sad time. Make sure you look after yourself. xxx

Halfknit said...

Deeply moved to read your posts and am sorry for your loss. May peace be with you x

Amelia said...

I am so grateful FL had you by his side, and him by yours. Thank you for sharing your story through good and bad and desperately sad. Much love.

Lucy said...

Be at peace, FL, and be at peace, Roo.

It's OK to be angry and to cry and be heartbroken - and to knit and to smile and plan for the future and take Hero out on walks and do so with your heart full of the man you love, knowing that you did right by him.

xxx

Unknown said...

You have shown you are a great woman. Hope you have a great life.

amajorbreak said...

I'm so sorry to read this post Roo but I'm glad that you and FL could be together when the time came.

Thank you for sharing this personal story with us all, your writing is beautiful and your humanity and love are woven through every post.

Please look after yourself now and know that all of us in blog land are thinking of you and wishing you well as you start your new chapter.

Much love and all good wishes,
Beth xxx

tim's wife said...

Reading your posts these last weeks and months, I cannot explain it and do it justice. It has been beautiful, raw, sad, uplifting, and so steeped in reality. Such is life, for sure, all those things. And reading this last post, 2 thoughts came to my mind. 1. Love has no rhyme or reason. It's just something we do. and 2. In the end, we are all merely human. A truly flawed type of specimen.
I wish you peace and fond memories as you move on to write new chapters in your story.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful tale of you and FL. It is unforgettable and deeply touching. Hugs from across the pond. D

colleen said...

I hope you feel that your last days together gave you the time you needed. It sounds like the end was as good as could possibly be. Wishing you peace and comfort wherever you find it in the coming weeks and months.b

RooKnits said...

Oh Roo. I am so glad you got to say your goodbyes and FL left peacefully.
Please look after yourself as you go through the motions. There are a lot of people looking out for you, please don't be a stranger.
Massive hugs to an amazing woman.
Roo
x

Colleen said...

Darling Roo. My heart goes out to you and FL and all your families. Thank you for letting us in all of these years and being the brave person, the truly honest person, you've been. Thinking of you from across the sea.

Lilbitbrit said...

You look very happy together. Thinking of you at this time of loss and change.

greenmtngirl said...

Peace and comfort to you both, Roo. A full heart thinking of you--may you be well.

Sarah said...

Oh Roo, I am so, so sorry. I feared the worst after you didn't post yesterday. You made the end the best it could possibly be for FL, surrounding him with love, stories and precious music. It will be a difficult time for you now, but you have shown such strength, courage and wisdom throughout all of this that I have no doubt you will pull through and shine again. Here's to your little house in Yorkshire with Hero and your chickens and a woolly, crafty, peaceful life to come. Because that is what you are left with now - life - and you must make it the happiest it can possibly be. You always have been one of my favourite bloggers, full of inspiration and humour. Go safe on your new journey. I think we will all carry a little of FL with us through your wonderful story. X

Flossie in Stitches said...

What a beautiful photo. I wish that as readers of your blog there was more we could do for you. Perhaps just being here to read your words, to hear you, is enough. I hope so, and I hope it helps to know that we are all here. May FL rest in peace and may you find peace yourself to continue the next chapter of your life. Please know that we are here for you when you are ready to share again. Alice

threadless said...

I am so glad you were both So very happy, enduring love is a rare thing in this world. My thoughts and prayers are with you now x

pennylibrarian said...

xxxxxx

Mary Danielson said...

Roo, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you again for sharing your and FL's story with us. Sending all my love.

xxx

Dore Bettridge said...

Thank you for the love story that you have shared with so many of us. May peace and grace fill your life as you move forward and on those days when you recall special moments, may your soul swell and a smile brighten your face.

Melissa said...

My condolences, Roo. Thank you for sharing your story. May you find peace and strength as you navigate this next phase, and hopefully calm will settle soon. {{Hugs}}

Alison said...

So so sorry for your loss, thinking of you. xx

Janine said...

So very sorry for your loss xx

Sonia said...

Not really sure what to say roo, except that I am so sorry this day has come x

Kristine said...

Deepest sympathies Roo. Your love for FL has shone so brightly in this space. Like so many I have been deeply touched as you have shared such a difficult and intimate time of your lives together. Wishing you solace in your grief. Take care and be gentle with yourself.

deborah said...

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I have been so moved by your story and your extraordinary bravery. I am thinking of you and send you much love xxxx

Ms Goodenough said...

Oh Roo, my heart is with you. Your love has been inspiring and I'm glad you had 12 years with one another. It would have been such a huge comfort for FL to have you there. Sending you peace and strength for the future. sharon x

cindy said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. No man could have had a better woman to love him.

Markje said...

You are an amazing, brave and compassionate woman. My heart goes out to you at this time. Stay strong. Mia

Glasto63 said...

I am so sorry for your loss.
You has done such an amazing job ensuring that FL last days were as comfortable and peaceful as possible. Now make sure that you look after yourself. Xx

Christine Alber said...

May FL rest in peace, and may you find peace. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Lisa Love Buns said...

Dear Roo

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost someone dear to me last year to cancer - different relationship, different circumstances - but she is in my heart and thoughts everyday. It is a cliché but time is a healer (not an eraser).
Thank you for sharing your journey at this intimate time.
No words can heal what you feel but good luck for your future. Lisa

Caroline H said...

What a wonderful way for FL to go, cared for and nurtured by the woman he loved so much. I'm so sorry, you have been so brave and resilient. I'm glad that, at the end of the inevitably difficult and sad immediate future, you have a dream of a different type of life. FL will be part of you for the rest of your life, and his memory will be with you wherever you go. Take good care, Caroline

Catherine said...

*HUG* because there are no words...

sally said...

Roo, you dear girl, bless you. My deepest sympathies are with you. It has been a privilege sharing your story these last few months and indeed years. And now so many hearts are breaking with yours as we hear about dear FL's departure. You have soldiered on so bravely through it all and have taken the time to record your story as you go. I hope you now have people around you to care for you as tenderly as you cared for FL. Grief is a horrible thing and for me lasted so much longer than I expected, so be kind to yourself if you can, there's no need to rush back to "normal life." let yourself grieve - it's allowed, even if some say otherwise. My thoughts and very best wishes are with you. And may Hero be a huge comfort to you at this time.

Catherine Cottingham said...

You have struck a chord with so many of us but this is your story and though beautifully written, this is your pain. So so sorry. Kindest thoughts.

coyotewoman said...

Thinking of you Roo as I sit here knitting with a snowstorm swirling out my window. Hoping you had a restful night and loving family and friends to treat you tenderly, to hear your cries, to wipe your tears, hug you and to share a sweet memory or funny story of FL. I know there is so much to be done and decisions to be made right now... but maybe someday when the flurry of activity starts to wane you will consider hosting a remembrance knit along. Let your efriends join you in a project we can knit together. An item we can each wear or a charity knit. I have always found much comfort in the gentle rhythm of knitting.

Violet said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've been so brave through every step of your journey.

Jennifer said...

Just sending love.

MCKGJK said...

I hope you are okay Roo. Make sure you take some time for yourself in the coming days - you will no doubt need a rest and some "me" time.

Poppy said...

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. Sending lots of positive thoughts your way x

Sharon said...

Thank you for sharing this journey with us. Peace and rest and comfort to your soul.

Palava rakkaus, pikkusydän said...

Roo, I am so sorry for your loss. May FL rest in peace.

Sadie said...

Oh, Roo. I have been dreading reading this post, and I'm in tears now reading it. Sending love and sympathy your way, and wishing you the strength you need to get through the next few days, and weeks, and months.

Jenny Wren said...

Roo. I actually broke down in tears in front of my mum as I was recounting all your recent experiences, fears and frustrations. You've touched many hearts in your beautiful writing of FL's passing. I hope you find peace in the days to come....and that you find your little house in Yorkshire. Hebden Bridge? I hope one day to bump into you in a cafe and enjoy a good cup of tea. I really hope that might actually happen.

lemon said...

I am very sorry for you loss Roo. I sent you my love.

Star speckles said...

Sending love and hopeful thoughts for you. You've written so beautifully about your love, and been so honest and open. It's been a privilege to follow your story, and FL is a lucky guy to have such an amazing woman fall in love with him. He sounds really special.

Hopefully I'll see you in Yorkshire - I'll buy the tea (and gin, if that's your tipple)

xx

crochetyknitter said...

So sorry to hear your sad news, much love and many hugs Roo xx

sewsmitten said...

A beautiful post, I am so so sorry for your loss.

Carolyn said...

Roo, I'm so. very sad for you, please accept my very deepest sympathies

Jodie said...

Roo - like many, many others before, please accept my deepest sympathies. Thank you for sharing your story with us and allowing us to hold you and FL in our hearts and thoughts. Please ask for help if you need it, in anything.

velosewer said...

Roo. Sending you my condolenscences for FL. You've done so much together. Hugs to you at this time.

twistle said...

Love from afar - *hugs*
Mary

Maeve said...

Dear Roo. Sending love and hugs. Take good care of yourself.

Redhedhels said...

Roo, I am so sorry for your loss. You always find just the right words for your posts, I am in awe of how you have coped throughout FL's illness. Take strength from knowing how many there are out here thinking of you and sending our love.

And if you do move to Yorkshire, know that we will welcome you with open arms.

Take care. xx

Kate said...

So sorry to hear this

Carol said...

Sorry for your loss seems inadequate when words are powerful things, as you have shown in writing as you do. Take care of your self, be kind to your self. Someone used the word liminal which expresses so well this time. Xx

liza jane said...

Much love to you. Take care of yourself.

Fiona said...

I convey my condolences. Your story is so touching.

Mosulli said...

You write so beautifully. What a heart breaking story you have had to tell. So deeply sorry for your loss. I hope you find strength and peace.

Nina Waters said...

It has been a privilege to share your story - so very sad to learn of your loss today.

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